Dixon-Ratzlaff Family Blogs

"Being lovingly ignored is agony; there is no place to release my frustration."

Sometimes I'm disappointed that I'm not doing better, but I'm trying to find ways I can still do the things I enjoy doing without having to give up my social life, family functions, etc. I'm learning. I slip. I get aggravated. But then I just get back in there and try again. And I know I'm the only one who can try harder to see better results. I really think with all the trial and errors this year that I'm finally figuring it out. I'm learning what wiggle room I can have and what stuff I'm just going to have to give up, 'cause I can't be trusted.

Even if I ever get down to, say, a size 12... Or smaller (?) (Someday?) It's going to be a constant struggle for me to maintain. It will be a relief to know I have the knowledge and the tools to keep an eye on myself and if I creep up 5 lbs I can nip it in the bud. (Hear me, now: I am NEVER going to be pushing 300 lbs again!) But I recognize that I'm going to have to monitor myself, for life. Period. I'm never going to learn how to eat intuitively. Because I'm a food junkie. That's just how I'm wired. I live to eat. But because I know this about myself, I can keep trying, and keep myself from ever being THAT bad off again. I really think it's going to be okay... Eventually. It just might take me a little longer then some, but I am getting there.

I find that I don't feel good (mentally or physically) if I'm off track for too long, these days. I think that's a promising sign. I'm always going to like fast food, but I'm no longer addicted to it. I'd much rather cook something at home, or if I'm being super lazy, I'd much rather have at least a Lean Cuisine. I actually feel ill if I OD on cheeseburgers (or whatever) these days. It's really just a bunch of little stuff that I'm noticing about myself that gives me hope that I'm really going to be a "success story" someday. I hope I'm not just setting myself up for a fall, but I don't think so. I'm never going to be a health-food fanatic, but I'm learning to be healthiER. And that's the biggie for me, in the long run.

 Enough Said.

 Sad. 

I don't care about celebrities. I don't know much about Jillian Michaels at all, but she's just in EVERYTHING right now... Magazines, shows, etc. But she seemed (NOTE I SAID SEEMED!!) fairly "real". I always liked reading articles, etc. that she had a hand in, because she seemed to have a very logical, sensible approach re weight-loss and exercise.

Tonight I saw her plugging "miracle" weight-loss supplements.

(And to further prove what a nutter I am, I actually yelled at the telly, "No, no, NO, NOOOOO, Jillian. Don't sell out like THIS. Please, for the love of God, not like THIS!!" And Dan's sitting there going, "What? Who is this woman? What's wrong?") *lol*

I'm SO disgusted at the moment. Not because I care one way or the other what this woman does on any "real" level, but because she's SUCH a guru for so many (other) women who are going to buy into that expensive crap and... Ugggh. I'm pissed. Up to this point I thought she might be relatively genuine.

I guess everyone really does have their price, huh? Just ONCE it'd be nice to see someone get their 15 minutes in the limelight and NOT sell out. 

 Have a raging bout of tonsillitis. My throat is stupidly sore. I have not been counting calories, and I've not been eating well. Fixed up a huge batch of chili mac today for example. I don't even care at the moment. I AM hoping that this will all be cleared up by the 17th, and that will give me almost exactly one month to get some more poundage off before the wedding. *Crosses fingers*

I am home alone for the first time in.... Forever?

Mom just called Dan to invite him and David out for the evening... I was getting David ready while Dan was in the shower and David says to me, "I put on pants, shirt, and two shoes to go see Nanna and Daa-daa-jee, but I wait for Dad." That is the longest thing I have EVER heard him say! I think he was a bit miffed to have to be waiting on Daddy while he was all ready to go. His tone and just the length of it really just cracked me up.

I was dreaming of the beach... Dan all had to come in and wake me up. Damn. It often feels like I'm never going to be able to go anywhere, ever again. I guess I should just count myself lucky that I HAVE gotten to travel, and that's more then some people can say. Still, the wanderlust makes me a little sad, sometimes.